Housey house posty post

Guess what I did?

Of course since I was not blogging I must have been doing something amazing.... Like backpacking through Asia and living in a yurt up in Canada while studying caribou. But truth is I have been living my life. Trying to get my crazy outta whack hormones back in check and trying to be a better mom and wifey. But here are some things I have been doing as far as my "new" house is concerned:

I went crazy and got an orange 1970's couch and love seat. FOR FREE!!! Can you believe someone would just give those away? Yeah, me neither, ha ha. And I am in love. Yes, I said love. Don’t look at me like I’m crazy. It's true. I called around to see how much they would cost to get reupholstered but apparently you have to donate some of your organs and I am feeling pretty attached to mine lately. Maybe one day. But I’ve decided to make them work. Right now my basement sectional is getting pretty gross looking and more and more broken. Since I am on a budget of cheapo burrito then my choices were dumpster diving or free awesome couches. 

They are the same color... crazy how lighting changes things

I’ve even found a color scheme that I think will work great with them. Though orange is not my thang, I think I can make a vibrant and cozy room with them.

I really like the deep rich jewel-toned blues with the charcoal greys.

I am currently tackling my first house project on my own. (By “on my own” I mean Brandon is helping- but it was my idea). I really wanted to update the railings in my house. That honey oak is so dated and I am not a fan. I found this tutorial and followed it pretty much to the T. So far its looking good and I cannot wait to get it finished. Once my walls are painted those railings will be quite a sweet little focal point. If you have questions about how I did it just let me know.

 in progress shot

one side finished

I have also been working on my garage sale skills. I have become a haggling master and have acquired quite the hoard of free crap. Hopefully I make them into something nice or I will truly be a junk hoarder. Gosh this beast is strong. Here are some of my finds:

I might be going through a "mirror phase"

 What do you think? Is orange too hard to decorate with? Is this color scheme too much, or totally awesome? Don’t my stair railings look great? What projects have you tackled recently? Found any hidden yard sale gems lately?

Moody Blues and Kitchen Mood Board

Guess what? 

I moved. 

Yep, I am living in a new house. We didn't move far, maybe a mile from our other place. We are renting that one out while we stay in this much larger and luxurious house. HAHA. I can hardly say much else about this house other than that it’s larger. It is not luxurious by any means. Our other house had much nicer finishes than this one (which we did ourselves). This house is very basic and builder grade. There is nothing wrong with that but it is boring. 

One things though- whoever lived in this house before us must not have ever cleaned. My Vinyl floors are so dirty. They have a slight texture and every inch of the grooves was filled with black gunk and all the toilets had black gunk and strong hard water rings. Needless to say (but I will anyway), I have spent a LOT of time cleaning this house and its still not quite where I want it.

Brandon and I have decided that we want to update the bathrooms and the kitchen. Doing these smaller scale "renovations" are really fun for me. I love all the planning and designing that goes into it. I also like the budgeting aspect. I actually enjoy that we have a realistic budget for these sorts of projects. Unlike so many bloggers you see visit, I do not have sponsors and a seemingly high or non-existent budget. It's fun to make the most out of the money you have.

So I decided to come up with a mood board for my kitchen. My kitchen is a layout that does not make the best use of the space. Buying new cabinetry is out of the budget so I had the thought that we could paint and prettify the existing cabinets and then adding nicer counters, flooring, and backsplash. 

If the bank (our house was bank-owned when we bought it) hadn't put new appliances in the house (which are the lowest end that you could absolutely buy), there is a chance that we would have bought new nicer ones for the kitchen. It does seem like a waste though to buy new when what we've got is new.

So here is what I came up with:

I was thinking of painting the lower cabinetry this sort of deep neutral gray and the upper cabinetry and walls that white paint (seen in the upper left of the mood board). I really like glass tile and found a website that sells handmade glass tile at a pretty decent price. The tiles they have come in many sizes, shapes, finishes, and colors. I really like this slight olive/aqua tile. My favorite part is that this tile is not too opaque. For counters I really hope to do quartz. This quartz is white but does have a very slight blue/green hue. Lets talk about the floors. I am obsessed with rustic wood printed tile. It's just so beautiful and functional. Wood flooring is nice but it just isn't as durable as tile. When you have kids and they are constantly spilling things or dragging things across the floor tile, is just a little better and more durable.

Let me know what you think of this. Does is go together ok? Is it too crazy for a small kitchen? What’s missing? What should I change? Leave me a comment below. I would love to hear any opinions. 

2015. goals and stuff.

I figured that this month I could take some time to make my goals. December is just way too crazy for me to sort out my plans for the next year. I usually am just so disgusted in my ability to eat such giant quantities of sugar and butter that I just vow that I am going to lose about 50 lbs and never touch the stuff again. HA! Thats a pretty unrealistic goal in my book. Not that I am completely lacking in self control but that I think I need to dig a little deeper. That is why I have taken the ENTIRE month of January to figure out what I want to accomplish/work on this year.

If my only goals in life were to lose some weight and eat healthier then either one of two things has happened.
                 1- I am just so vain about my looks that the only thing I find important is how one appears                      to other people.

or 

                 2- I have just accomplished so much in my life that the only aspect left for me to work on                        is my physical appearance. Wouldn't that be pretty awesome to be so well rounded and                        accomplished that the only thing holding me back from perfection was a few lbs and a                          sugar addiction?

Sadly, and fortunately, this is not the case. Hooray for not being completely vain and consumed by my looks, and hooray for lacking in accomplishment in most aspects of my life. Hooray- or something-ugh.... Weird, weird, weird.

So, after being inspired by my friend Malyn's (MUH Lyn :D ) blog post- here are my GOALS OF 2015:

(in no particular order, except for how they popped into my head)

PHYSICAL GOALS

1. Eat Paleo 90% of the time. This is really popular right now but I have done it often enough to know its the best way for me to eat. I feel so much better when I eat this way and my body is so much happier. Why 90% of the time you might ask? Well, 100% of the time is just plain ridiculous. A momma's gotta have her specialty cupcakes and Papa John's Pizza's from time to time.

2. Run a 10K this summer. I already have one picked out and started training this week. Hopefully I can get my endurance back up. My goal is to be able to keep a pace of about a 9 1/2 to 10 minute mile. This might seem really slow to most of you, but to me this is a more doable goal.

3. Get back into my "skinny jeans". I have already lost 11 lbs this year so I am sure I will reach this goal before June.

4. Get stronger. I want to be able to help my husband around the house better. He is always needing help lifting things and I am the worst sort of helper. I tell him I can help, and then about 30 seconds later I am dying to stop holding whatever he is drilling into the wall.

MENTAL GOALS

1. Use my academic/creative brain more. I have noticed since graduating from college that I have basically become a mush brain. It's only been 6 years people. 6 YEARS!!! How can your brain turn to mush so quickly. Probably has more to do with having 3 kids.... Kids. They turn your brain into oatmeal. I think maybe I will try to take some classes at the University in my town or do some online classes offered by various companies. I am really interested in learning some basic photoshop skills. Maybe I will learn how to do some water color painting. I always loved working with it- ya know, from that one painting I did, in that ONE art class I took and got a B in. Yeah, I am no Thomas Eakins (honestly, had to look up "famous water color artists").

2. Work on dealing with my anxiety in a more productive way. I suffer from anxiety. I am pretty sure that almost my whole immediate family does in form or another. A lot of it has to do with how I grew up. Depending on the thing making me anxious I usually turn to binge eating, or complete avoidance of any and all things. Like sitting in bed watching mindless TV pretending that the "thing" doesn't exist. Maybe this year whenever I start to feel anxious I will binge eat celery or start latin dancing all over the house?! Okay- not realistic. But I will figure something out. One good thing though, is that I have been working on this a lot over the last 10 years and have gotten to the point where very few things cause me anxiety.

SPIRITUAL/RELIGIOUS GOALS

1. Use the scriptures in conjunction with prayer to find answers or comfort.

2. Increase my scripture reading.

3. Increase my temple attendance from the previous year. I can always do better and this shouldn't really take all that much effort.

HOME GOALS

1. Be a better companion to my husband. Help him and serve him. Show my love more often.

2. Be a friend to my children. Learn about them and their interests and show genuine support and enthusiasm in them.

3. Be more patient.

4. Don't sweat the small things. Dirty dishes in a sink all day long or for even two days is not as big of a deal as playing with my kids and talking to them.

5. Share my wisdom (though it be small) with my children.

6. Somehow stay on top of my laundry duties. Its a totally annoying chore IMO.


I hope I remember to reference this list. That is one nice thing about having a place online to keep these sort of things. Usually I write them down in a journal or on a piece of paper that I usually lose. This should be a lot easier for me to find.

So, now that you have experienced a whole month of 2015, what sort of goals have you made? Have you changed any yet (if you made your goals on the 1st)? What sort of things do you need to do to be a better, happier, you? Let me know if you'd like. I love hearing that other people have things to work on- just like me!

Things that make me a little sad

I know that this is a stupid topic to post about but hey I am silly sometimes.

This list is only for those things that make me a little sad. As in- I get over it as soon as its out of sight. I could make a list of things that make me really sad but then who wants to be depressed, sobbing, sitting at a computer writing a blog post? Definitely not me. My tears would probably bust up my key board and then my husband would be the one who is sad.

What makes me a little sad?

Rain. Only when it drizzles lightly. Maybe it's because it gets a little dark and so my mood changes or maybe I am a little sad because its not raining more. Because I actually really love rain.

The last episode of a favorite TV show. This one should probably be embarrassing but its true. After spending years watching a show and then its done.... Makes me a little sad. It even happens when I rewatch the show and get to the end. I still feel a little sad. Maybe I need to stop watching shows that end. I guess I will have to start getting on board the Big Brother, Biggest Loser, Bachelor train. Those shows never seem to end.

When you realize you have officially ran out of holiday candy. This one is a universal sadness amongst all 4 year olds. I am among that group. I hate when you wake up one day and realize that you'd love to have.

Certain songs. I have a list of these but sharing them all and saying why would be a little too personal for me. So I'll just name two- With or Without You (U2), Hear You Me (Jimmy Eat World).

When I lose a button off my clothes. When a button falls off a clothing item you'd think "no big deal- just sew it back on". Let me be honest with you- it ain't going to happen. I never remember to sew it back on. I keep the button hoping one night a fairy will come to my house and sew them back to their rightful place. But it hasn't happened yet and my button collection is growing.

Oh, here's a more specific one: When the blog Young House Love stopped blogging. Seriously, it sucked. Probably my #1 little sad thing that happened this year. It was a bummer for sure.

Now that I am reading back this blog post I am realizing how strange I must seem. But Maybe one of these things make you a little sad too. What sort of things make you a little down?

crunch crunch crunch...

When you read this title I know you were totally thinking potato chips. Or I guess if you are more like me you were thinking Cheetos. Either way both are equally delicious. JK Cheetos rock the pants off potato chips any day and every day! Anywho….

I was just thinking about writing this post about my love of cloth diapering. Cloth diapering- Love? What? Is Danielle crazy? Well, sort of. There are many reasons I am crazy but cloth diapering is not one of them. I am dead serious. LOL

My interest in cloth diapering began sometime in the summer of 2011 a few months before I gave birth to my 2^nd child. I was trying to find ways to save money. I always feel a bit guilty being a stay at home mom rather than being out in the world working and reeling in the big bucks.  So I figure I can always contribute through saving money.

I Pinterested and Googled the crap out of the topic. There is just so much information out there. It’s totally over whelming. I ended up buying a few prefolds and three covers just to start and see how I liked it. Long story short- I had like 0 support in doing this and so gave up quickly. It wasn’t that it was hard- I was just worried that it wouldn’t work out.

So there- I just gave you some personal insight into the real me- I am so afraid of failing that I often give up right away.

Then when I was pregnant with my third baby I decided I was definitely going to do this. (I have become much more confident in the last few years. GO ME!). I think the biggest motivation I got was this website. It’s a site full of cheap cloth diapers. They are used so if that freaks you out I suggest looking elsewhere. But I feel like I can get stuff pretty clean so I wasn’t grossed out in the slightest.

There are only 2 really challenging parts to cloth diapering.

1. Picking the kind of cloth diaper that works best for you.

2. Having an effective wash routine.

The first one I found easier to solve by buying used diapers. They were cheap enough for me to buy a few different kinds to see what sort of system I enjoyed. Before ever clothing diapering I figured I would like AIO’s the best. But after trying a few, I found that I really like covers and prefolds/inserts. I use Best Bottoms diapers (just FYI). Diapers also have a great resale value so after all is said and done you aren’t really out that much money at all.

Having an effective wash routine- please listen to me now- DON’T believe like anything you have read on Pinterest/Google. The best way to get your diapers clean is much like that same way in getting clothing clean. Use a good quality laundry detergent- Tide, Gain, etc. I have joined the best Facebook group (Fluff Love and CD Science) ever and they are serious laundry scientists. They can and will get your diapers clean. It might be hard for you to believe- but you don’t need to buy special detergent and you don’t have to do a million rinse cycles. It’s actually really easy to wash diapers. Join that Facebook group and I promise your experience with cloth diapering will become the easiest thing ever.

So now back to the crunchiness of this post. I am sure after reading this and my last few posts you probably think I have turned into a total granola mom. I promise that that is not that case. I still vaccinate my children, bribe them with candy to get them to do things, and make my children share. See- I am fairly normal. Right? I guess not totally normal but I don’t think I am too nuts.

So why again do I love cloth diapering? It’s cute and cheap. If any of you have any comments or questions feel free to add it below.

Picking myself up and going again

Last year I began a journey of creating a healthier, happier me. Then I got pregnant and though I tried I was not feeling healthier. I decided to take a break from my goal and focus on a new goal: my VBA2C.

Now I'm trying to get back on track. I think I have given myself ample time to heal from my cesarean and since september have been slowly trying to ease myself into things again. And of course, by slowly, I mean at the pace of a snail. SLOW SLOW SLOOOOWWWW.

I started off with a Whole30. What I love about this blog is that its a great outlet for me to be honest. That being said- I HATED IT! Yup- my 3rd whole30 probably just taught me that at this point in my postpartumness I emotionally "needed" the freedom to eat anything I wanted. I think it had more to do with me feeling slightly trapped with the demands of nursing, having a newborn, and a new total of three children. Eating what I wanted sort of gave me a chance to feel like I had some "fun" happening. Not to say that the other stuff isn't fun- its just sort of draining sometimes. I managed to get through the whole30 basically because I had a sister and brother in law doing it with me and I didn't want to have to tell them I quit. Thanks guys :D! It was good for me to do and I lost 8 lbs. or was it 10??? I can't remember. Obviously it didn't stay off because I have blocked it out of memory. LOL.

My next step was to start with Briana Christine from Bikini Body Mommy on her Bikini Body Mommy challenge 2.0. That lasted a good week before I fell off that band wagon (this started the same time as the Whole30). I don't think I was in the right mind set. I was so grumpy about not getting to eat the Cheetos, ice cream, and cheese that I wanted that I sort of felt like not working out was a great way to rebel against the system. GO ME (I'm awesome)- I'm quite the "rebel-without-a-good-cause" type.

Where does that leave me? Oh yeah. Feeling sort of self loathing for having not lost that last 25 lbs. of my baby weight (I gained 50- sheesh). But slowly sliding myself of the pity party booze cruise, one little piggy at a time, I have started doing a little more right by me.

Now- if you are in the same boat as me or feeling like a change feel free to do what I'm doing.

1. Find a friend to help you. Yeah my friend might be my only link to sanity right now and my only reason for putting on my ASICS some days. If you are completely able to motivate yourself and stay that way then don't worry about getting a friend to help. I need it though- especially this time around.

2. Brag your heart out. Thats what the friend is for. You probably don't need to go brag to the internet that you only ate 4 cookies instead of the whole dozen you know you could eat. Or that you decided to try your fat pants on and they fit- even though you had a huge muffin top and had to suck in to button them. People might not give you the praise your looking for. You need a friend to tell you that no matter how small and insignificant and slightly stupid that thing you did was still great.

3. My friend and I have been taking the nights to let each other know what we plan on eating for the next day. I used to always try to make that a plan for the whole week but lately just taking it a day at a time and knowing what I have in my house makes it much easier. I spend less money and I use what I have.

4. We let each other know when we don't live up to what we planned. It's sometimes hard to do but it helps me feel a little more accountable.

5. Lastly, we Pinterest search some awesome motivational quotes and pick one for the week. The next brilliant part- WE USE THEM AS THE LOCK SCREENS TO OUR PHONES! Genius right? I think so. This way I actually read the quote and it motivates me multiple times throughout the day. There have been times where reading that quote has inspired me to work out for the day or even as little as not putting the sour cream on my nachos. (Yeah, I probably shouldn't be eating nachos).

My end game with this whole plan is to eventually (when I feel ready) step up my effort and lose the extra baby weight by the time my little fella is 12 months or so. It took 9 months to put on but I know, that being a sleep deprived and emotional-eating mother of three, it will take longer to take off. My theory- If it comes off slowly it will stay off longer and less yo-yo-ing.

Thanks for reading this slightly ridiculous post on what I'm doing. If you need a free work out routine that doesn't take much time each day I totally recommend Bikini Body Mommy. Its a really motivating and fun program. What are you doing to help stay healthy? Let me know! Maybe we can motivate each other.

How to have a VBAC

First off I have to say that I did NOT get my "successful VBA2C" but I personally feel like I did get my whole VBAC experience and in my opinion it was a success. I got a sense of closure and the real satisfaction you can only get from hard work.

I didn't have much knowledge about VBAC's when I was pregnant with my second. I knew one person who actually had one. When I brought the subject up to my OB he sort of shrugged it off saying something to about its so much safer to keep on c sectioning when you have already been cut. Because I was naive and spineless when it came to doctors I just went along with what he said. I however do NOT regret scheduling a c section my second pregnancy. I was still quite traumatized about the whole prospect of having a natural birth from my first experience.

My second c section, in a way, was healing. I was able to have the baby quickly and this time I got to see her for a few seconds before they sewed me up. I was able to walk around after a few hours and I could do so without help. I felt great and still in the end something felt so strange.

To me its a really strange feeling to be pregnant, at times what seems for eternity, and then walk into the hospital and have them just pull out your baby. Again I had difficulty feeling a connection to just having a baby handed to me after no work or pain or surprise. Of course getting gowned up, oxygen mask on, arms strapped to a table, and completely numbed can make you feel sort of like a science experiment than a woman about to give birth to a precious little baby.

This third pregnancy I was all ready to have a scheduled c section. I didn't want one but I didn't know I had any other option.

One night I was sifting through those really dumb discussion boards you get on when you put a pregnancy app on to your phone. I somehow stumbled across someone asking about having a VBAC after 2 cesareans. I was so excited as I read on and on the comments of multiple women who have had one. I felt instantly that this was what I was supposed to do. I really wanted to learn as much as I could.

Here are my suggestions when wanting to go about having a VBAC or better yet, a VBAMC (Vaginal Birth After Multiple Cesareans):

• Find your local ICAN (International Cesarean Awareness Network) and find their Facebook page. I was able to find mine and start talking to women who have had successful VBAMC's and the best part is getting to talk to ladies who feel the same way as you and ladies who have been there.
• join this Facebook group on VBAC's. If you need any inspirational real life stories or talk to those in your situation this is THE GROUP to join.
• Find a VBAC supportive Obstetrician. Believe it or not this can be the absolute hardest part of the whole process. A lot of them will even say they support VBAC's but then put a lot of unnecessary restrictions on the whole thing causing you to "fail" at your attempt.
• Hire a Doula. If your husband isn't the "hands on" sort- this is a great option. A great doula will help you feel confident and help you find wisdom in your own abilities. I loved having one. She helped relieve a lot of my pain during my labor and encouraged me to keep going.
• Find courage, confidence, and faith. This is a hard decision to make and sometimes it will feel like there are so many things against you. Especially when you have family and friends who are not supportive. You'll run into people like that. They might even get really passionate about it being a "crazy decision". They are just uneducated.
• DO your research. There are a few books that are great to read on the topic. My ICAN group gave me a list of some to read. Every state also has different rules on VBAC's.

So, if you're interested in having a VBAC let me know. I'd love to be a source of support for you. 

Back to my story. You might be wondering why I wasn't successful in my VBA2C attempt. 

On June 9th, at 41 weeks exactly, I went into labor. It was the day of my scheduled inducement so it was a real blessing to be able to go into labor or my own. My plan was to go into labor on my own and to labor without any pain medication (both increasing my likelihood for a VBA2C). I studied Hypnobabies and used the techniques learned to help me through the pain. I didn't use it though how it was necessarily intended because I sort of gave up on the practicing at the end of pregnancy. I labored from about 3 AM to about 10 AM and then they broke my water and I started pushing shortly after. I mentally gave myself a "stopping" point. I didn't want to push myself if my body couldn't do it. I just wanted to give myself the chance. I also wasn't about to push for hours and hours (like last time) or use a vacuum (again).  After 2 hours of pushing and no change in the baby's position I asked for a cesarean. I just didn't want to put me or that baby in danger. I also told myself that if I pushed for a long time without any change in the baby's position then it just wasn't meant to be. I also had to tell myself that I was going to be "okay" if things didn't go exactly how I wanted. 

Obviously things didn't go how I was hoping they would. I am actually one of the few people whose pelvis couldn't allow a baby to pass through. Many times doctors will tell women this and its rarely true. But this time- for me- its true. I have been coming to terms with it. Doing so has been difficult but its given me a great sense of gratitude for modern medicine. However, if I could do it over, knowing what I know now, I would do it again. Natural (drug free) labor, I believe, really helped me connect to my birth experience. I loved it. I sort of wish I could be allowed to labor with every baby even if I had a c section (pushing not included though- since I cant really do that successfully :D).

My whole purpose of writing this post was to help those women who want to have another option than a c section. No matter your prior situation with birth, I am sure there are ladies in the Facebook group with the exact same situation. You can find hope. 

my first

I have been on quite the hiatus. Between being pregnant and having my little boy and getting used to having three kids I have been very busy. I just wanted to blog a bit on my experience with a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean) or more accurately a VBA2C (Vaginal Birth After 2 Cesareans).  I know there are many women out there who have experienced what I have and I wanted to share my feelings and thoughts on the whole process. These VBAC posts will probably take me a bit to get sorted out before I share. I wanted to first: share my first birth experience (C section) and then share experience and thought process with my VBA2C. I Do understand that these posts might offend or bother some people. If you're one of those people then feel free not to read. I don't mind. But If you are curious please read these posts and maybe open your eyes to a different way of thinking. Maybe take something away from my experiences.

At the end of July 2009 I was 38 weeks pregnant. I was so uncomfortable I thought I was gonna die. I was having sporadic and slightly painful contractions almost every day for about a month. I was getting restless and suffering from insomnia. I wanted to be done so badly. No one can tell you how awful the end of pregnancy is. You just have to live through it yourself. I was 21 years old getting close to my 22nd birthday. I was young and was not prepared for child birth. No one really taught me anything or gave me any advice about what I should do. I don't blame anyone for this. I don't even blame myself. This is common in the USA- I believe- we learn everything we can on how the baby develops inside the womb but how to birth a baby and how to feel about labor are not things we know much about. In reality we are not prepared. I am not saying that this is true for everyone but I do feel like this is the case for many.

My doctor saw me. He asked how I was feeling and I told him. I said I was very uncomfortable. He gave me an exam and found that I was 4 cm dilated. He then told me that I could get induced in a week if I wanted. I asked if this was okay for the baby and he said it was fine. I decided to go for it. Only one more week of pain- I could see the end in sight. I was ecstatic. At this point this "awfulness" had an end. A note to those of you haven't been pregnant: By this point of pregnancy you feel like you will live with this baby in you forever and many women tend to start getting desperate. I was. With the news of a definite end I felt so much love for my doctor. He was amazing. I was so grateful for him. He was my redeemer from this miserable state.

At 39 weeks and one day I went to the hospital to be induced. I was led to a room where they wanted me to get completely naked and put on a skimpy stupid hospital gown (I had never worn one before and this was very uncomfortable to me). They hooked me up to the monitors and the monitor showed I was having contractions like I had been for the past month. They hooked me up to an IV and started me on Pitocin. It didn't take long for my contractions to start getting stronger. I'm not sure when but I think they broke my waters right away. It was sort of weird experience. They use a long crochet hook type object and insert and pop. I didn't feel a thing except large amounts of warm fluid gushing out of me filling a dam that a nurse had made me with rolled up towels. There was so much fluid. I had that dam made twice more after that (so much fluid).

A few hours later I was dilated to a six. Getting a cervical exam is uncomfortable but getting one while in labor is pure torture. Its so painful to have to lay on your back while they stick their fingers far up in to your body. They ended up doing this a few more times throughout the labor. They asked if I wanted an epidural and that now would be the best time for me to get one before the pain got much more intense. I had planned on not getting one unless I felt like I was dying but my husband begged me to get one (he says he hates to see me in pain). I consented and a little while later the anesthesiologist had me sitting on the edge of a hospital bed bare backed. He was sort of a jerk and I remember him yelling at me that I wasn't trying hard enough to bend over so he could get the epidural in.  I remember being so uncomfortable and having contractions all while trying to sit and bend over. I was in tears by the time he was done (from the pain and from him being mean to a laboring scared woman). The epidural brought me a lot of relief though and after I was laid back down I started feeling really relaxed.

A few mores hours went and around 7 pm I was checked at 10 cm and was told that I would start pushing shortly. They sat me up a little bit and had Brandon grab one leg and a nurse grab another. They told me when to push and I remember just feeling a lot of pressure. The rest of this time is pretty much a blur. Between pain medication, exhaustion and down right trauma I have blocked a lot out. I know I pushed for a little over 3 1/2 hours. I know they used a vacuum and I remember that. I remember the vacuum coming off with a loud crack and seeing my doctors face splattered with blood. It was gross and someone similar to a scene from a horror movie. Then I remember them turning me on to my side (hurt so bad) and slide me to a gurney and wheeling me to the OR. I remember feeling them cut me and the pressure of them tugging at my insides. It was painful. I remember being loopy and saying weird things to people. I remember them saying that the baby was out. I got really scared because I didn't hear her cry. One thing I new from the movies is that babies were supposed to cry when they were born. They knocked me out and I didn't even get to see my baby till an hour or so later. The most traumatic thing for me though was waking up in a dimly lit- almost dark- room all by myself (recovery). No one was with me. No nurse, no husband, and definitely no baby. I was emotional and scared. I thought my baby must have been dead and was wondering why I was all alone. I sat there for what seemed like an eternity. Groggy, exhausted, and scared, I could barely move my arms as some of the drugs slowly wore off.

I remember my someone (my sister in law or my mom) walk by my room and saw me sobbing. I was a wreck and they didn't know I was awake. They must have gotten Brandon because I remember him coming in with the baby. I remember I was so happy to see that my baby was alive. I was sort of afraid though when I looked at her. She was in rough shape too. Her head was cut open in two places and her face was so swollen. They handed her to me and holding her was the weirdest thing I have ever felt. I couldn't really connect that she had been inside of me for the past 39 weeks. It was surreal. This was my first experience "giving birth".

I spent 4 days in that hospital and it took about 3 of those days to be a able to walk without help. I was in so much pain (both physical and emotional). I had a very hard time connecting to the whole experience. I never felt that "surge of emotion" or that "pure happiness" you often hear about after giving birth. I just felt pain, exhaustion, and weepy. I was really happy to have my daughter. I loved holding her and looking at her but this is not how I wanted this experience to go.